my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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