I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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