I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
