In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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