I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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