I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
