I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
