she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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