I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's shark week go big or go home
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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