There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
