a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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