Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
