hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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