The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
