The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
