I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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