I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
