in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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