why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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