So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
