so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
