So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
