I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I smell like Dick and happiness
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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