K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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