so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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