He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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