it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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