hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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