There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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