i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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