when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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