Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
