Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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