my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
