I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
