My underwear smells like fireworks.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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