ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
how can u be prego again
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
