i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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