you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
