finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
