I just cut my nipple shaving
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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