Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
