Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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