he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Operation Purity has been aborted
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
