do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
