I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
