I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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