how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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