Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
