I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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